This is my 8 year old rescue dawg "Rusty", we love him very much. He's special. We saved him in a blizzard when he was a baby. Then my nephew ran him over twice while racing in our driveway.. so he's had it rough. He's our special spoiled dawg.. and he too, bosses us around sometimes.. yep, he's very bossy and opinionated.
When I picked up my Grandson from school today, the ladies that load the children into your automobile noticed my hair. They asked if I cut my hair.. I said "Yeahhh.. I don't know what I was thinking of... I thought I'd look like a Supermodel when I got outta der.. What the hell was I thinking?"
My son would have been 22 years old. I said a prayer for him, and wished him a loving heavenly day for him.. extra extra and extra endless times. I miss him so much. I failed him miserably, I couldn't even save him.. I've always hated myself for that, and the choices I've made when I had him. It's so awful, it still turns my belly and makes me cry everyday {I deserve every miserable moments in this life}. I've been told over and over to start forgiving myself, and to learn to let go. WTH?? You just can't let it go.. how can u? I've taken all kinds of meds to help me.. but it just messed with my thinking skills.. and that sho ain't top notch...(Yeah, only cuz I won't let it..)
My baby, he was "IS" the world to me, and I knew it at the time. My carelessness costed me my world. Over and over I wished I gave him to my fosterparents to raise him. They sure would have done a heck alot better job than I would. I know he sees me, and I try to be strong for him still. I don't want him to see me as a struggling soul... There's time I tried to go see him and be with him again.. but it never works. I've tried many times and I"ve always been rescued.. tired of trying.. I know I'm here for a reason, and he had a purpose for coming into my life. But that's so cruddy!! I just want to hold him so bad... I would never let him go.. The last time he came to me in my dreams was the day before Thanksgiving. I cried so hard I was shaking.. and I woke up crying.. Something normal according to hubby.. I didn't sleep last night, it just always goes round and round in my head.. the last days of our time together.. only if I tried harder.. only if I was brave enough.. it's always.. the ONLY IF's!! I wish my ex had a slow painful death, I really do.. that's not even enough to satisfy me.. I hope I go to hell just so I can spend the rest of my eternity making him miserable. I don't see myself going to heaven.. so why not go to hell? I tried my best to do what's right, until I seen how my other half wasn't so into it. I gave up, and started living the "We're all going to hell. Live accordingly." Well, guess what? I really can't do that when I'm raising my Grandson. So there it be.. straight and narrow and get my shit back together.
I always think of the next journey of our existence. Always.. What if it's like the movie "Passengers" where you only see the people you died with.. and when you make sense of things someone comes down to help you go to your next journey. I'd be too dumb to figure that out.. I'm a total moron.. I would be running around like an idiot somewhere getting into a mess like always. That's where I got the name Pooh.. I get Poohey and never think of the consequences.. like my haircut.. I hate it.. I look like three stoogies
I've read all kinds of books and church to satisfy my search for what happens after you die.. but I can't find any.. I prayed and prayed.. I just have to wait like everyone else for my time.
