State of Depression

The last couple days, ahm.. I got a little possessed by a virtual game called Farmville in Facebook. Yah.. I have been watching my virtual farm and doing purty good after I killed my crops a couple of times.

Today, I am having a "OMG!!" Day. I had a good fight with hubby.. we are totally on the wrong tracks with each other. It's just too horrible to talk about it. And I don't even want to think about it, I'm actually sick to my stomach.

To top it off.. my brother said my niece and my sister are trying to put my mom in a nursing home. I saw her today and I gave her a hug, she actually hugged me back. I was surprised. Usually I just drive and wave.

Today she just stood there and watched me go up the hill. I got on the pavement and stopped and waved again.. still she just stood there.. she looked like a child left behind just standing there all dressed up ready to go somewhere. I backed up and went back down the drive way and parked by where she was standing. She walked over to the corral and sat down.

She was wearing a turquoise velvet shirt, dark blue pants with crazy socks with her blue shoes. She wore her Navajo Bling Bling. I gave her the normal respectful greeting and hugged her. I told her she looked really nice. She started to joke with me.. we stood there and laughed, then I told her I had to go Hubby had breakfast going already.

I know she put me through hell, and drug me around in petty. I was her constant reminder of her infidelity and she resented me for living. I was the reason for her beatings.. her struggles.. Then I grew up and gave her hell for treating me like shit during my kiddyhood. There was no way I would ever back down for all the scars she gave me to live with.

After I gave birth, there's this miraculous thing came into my life called "caring". I started to protect her as much as I could.. and my whole life fucked up.

Again in my adulthood I tried to help her, protect her, and did what I could for her... Only to find myself in the midst of her evil games. I stopped and stayed away.. Now, she's gotten old.. I feel so bad and terribly horrible. I cried a few times... I really don't know how to handle this... I'm so confused and depressed.