Still not happy

My home life is not the problem, the atmosphere tells otherwise. There's no fighting or arguing.. I just don't like being here. I really don't know where the problem is, or what's bothering me for that matter. I feel so sad inside.. I actually feel like crying.. I don't know why. I just feel so unhappy.

I think maybe it's because 'My Home' is going to be deleted pretty soon, it's just a matter of time. Or maybe that just added more fuel to my unhappiness. Home was when Mom and Dad were home, and it was visible they were home. When Dad died, it had deminished some but Mom was still running the show.. now it's going to be gone. "Home" is not home, the farm, the animals, equipments, vehicles, homes, cabin, all will be gone.. There's going to be nothing but my loser sister and her loser kids there.. all I can see is junk and drunk/druggie people having a free roam of things.. eventually to nothing.. and that's the saddest part.

I would take over, but really O Hubby doesn't want to live on the reservation. Let alone next to my brother. I don't even think my brother will last that long, he is so bony. He rather drink and not eat. I hate the thought that he'd rather die drunk.. but I can't change him but spend some good quality time with him and let him know that I do love him.

In some sense, I want to cut ties ,go on my own, and take Grandson with me. I know I am spinning my wheels living this so called "Married Life". Our marriage sunk last year, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing here. We are just like friends here, there's no itimacy or anything in that nature. We still hug each other, a kiss, sometimes I like to snuggle up to him.. but that's it. I don't even want to be held by him.. That special feeling I use to have is gone. My whole concept of being married is gone, even love itself. True, there are days we'll be laughing and having a ball. That's what I mean, we're just like friends.

There's many nights I sit there and look out the window and wonder how things got to be this tangled. It's undefinable.

I don't know when, but I really want to leave. I want to have a life of my own. I want to live in my own place. I want to work and come home to my own place. I want to show Grandson the world, from there he can figure things out. I know Grandpa will want to visit with Grandson, I just don't want to live here anymore, I don't want to be "married" anymore, O hubby destroyed that many times and I kept trying everytime he messed up.. This time, I just want him to accept the idea that I don't want to be here and want to go on without him before I leave (I don't know).

O Hubby knows I don't want to be married anymore, and I am very unhappy being here and this marriage. He still thinks it can work out. I don't think so. I rather do all the crying (again) and take charge of my life on my own out there.

*********** I fell for this LOVE bullshit back when, I should of got my head out of the clouds and kept the black clouds *********************