Why the Marriage???

Ok, the picture that was taken was Saturday. It was 'hot' inside, and of course.. my hair looks like crap, and I am trying to be happy. Sometimes our little Grandson gets very rambunctious he started to dance around and bumping into people, spilling things. And yah.. there's my fake smile. Grandpa holds his camera way up looking down.. I always expect the worse, so here it is... or should I say.. There it is.

I don't know what he's (Hubby) thinking half the time. I really don't. We just went back to Church, in a different Church to regain somethings that are missing in us. I really would like to go back to LDS, but dang.. not the way I feel half the time.. That church would fall over. Even when I walked down the aisle in the new church I could hear it crackling.

We have been doing pretty good with 'our marriage' lately. We are doing more 'family' things, we actually talk some, we are like friends, anything but intimacy (that's where I draw the line).

Everytime, I am telling you everytime it seems like... I forgive and try to move on.. I make steps to recovery with our 'marriage'. HE DOES SOMETHING ELSE!!!! A lot of things are unmentionable... somethings I can say but only while I shake my head.. The last one was ~still~ he was OUT SNEAKING AROUND at night to gamble in Colorado. Alibis are always work related.. He said he was in Arizona, really he was in Colorado. 3am, you can't fool me by then.. OK, so that wasn't such a big deal...

Yesterday, before I posted my picture with Annee.. I downloaded pictures off his camera in his cellphone.. IS HE DUMB OR WHAT???? He had mega porn, all indecent ladies.. I showed him, of course he denied it.. and someone sent it to him without his knowledge. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. I said I am not stupid. I said "Give me your phone, and I will tell you where, what day, what address, what time, and everything you want to know how you got it.. I CAN TELL YOU THAT!!

Ugh! The last time, he said "Oh no I didn't. Prove it!!" I did. I said look.. it came from your EMAIL ADDRESS!!! It's the girls from your OFFICE!! Oh, he says.. he pointed his finger at someone, I said "IT came from your email, DUMBASS!!" My mom thought highly of him, and there is no way he would do that. I showed it to her. She looked the other way. When he got home I confronted him.. and the Denial Game went underway. Needless to say.. Mom left, and he... I dunno.. he just went into the office. I just so wanted to throw his phone right after him.

O, and then he comes back "Well, you have many male friends." That was so lame. I said "Yeah, but I don't fuck them. Maybe I should!" That I can't imagine ever happening. The 'male' friends are older for one thing.. and if Hubby is getting that 'old' man smell about him.. I can 'imagine' what they REALLY smell like. Let alone they probably have sexual problems.. Now can you imagine that? Totally GROSS! The younger one's? They probably need to be taught, and they probably have hygiene issues, totally NASTY. AND ME!! Don't make me laugh. Too damn old to even think this way. But damn.. my sex life went down the drain a year or so, when I found out about Hubby's wild 'ranch' life with younger women. I didn't ever want him to touch me after that. I'm not going to start falling ill because my husband is out fooling around with Bimbos. No siree. I told him I wanted a divorce.. and I remind him about every week or month. "I want a divorce, you know.."

WHY ARE WE MARRIED TO THIS DAY??? He is grossing me out. This morning he asked me if I wanted something. I told him '..to go shake his balls somewhere.' I didn't even want to hear him. I know he plays with himself, it's a guy thing.. they all do it. But still have some decency. GeeWAhh!!!