Tomorrow, I get to meet my cousin's kids for the first time. The oldest is about 22 I hear. I don't know how old the youngest is. Through them, I will be able to see what their mom was like. It has to be extremely hard for them.
I laid in my bed thinking about in the last year's loss:
A friend, so hooked on alcoholism. She couldn't shake it, so she went into the closet and hung herself. Having kids wasn't good enough to quit. Either, someone had made her feel so bad about herself that she thought she wasn't worthy of her children.
A friend, she was in a Domestic Violence situation. She had been battling her family for her two year son. She was told if she ever went back, she would lose. Well, she went to end the relationship only to have him tag along. Knowing she wasn't winning.. they were having an verbal altercation she had had enough, and jumped out in front of a semi truck. Killed, just like that.
A friend, she was getting back with her husband, her boyfriend wanted to jump in with her on the ride back from Colorado. Upon speeding in the Mountains, they went off the ledge. She went down with the car, he jumped out and survived. I think we all know what really happened.
A friend/cousin, same. She thought she was done with her estrange husband. With a restraining order in hand she went to drink with her new boyfriend. Well, he found her and beat her to death.
A friend/in-law, same. Gave up on life and drank to death, literally.
A friend/cousin. I don't know really, I hear she died of stomach cancer.
We are all in the same age catagory. Best to jump out of the circle and make the change. I'm just glad Grandson isn't exposed to this type of environment.
Reservation life seems so bitter. There are times, when I sit there and eat my frybread.. I think we are no different than Mexico. No Justice. Children are raised with no supervision, no family values, no discipline, and no educational values. When you get to it, it's DOG eat DOG.
I remember in my youth, It infuriated me when I had a healthy well-rounded person talk smack to me about something in public. I just get up and beat the crap out of them. I hated them for me not being raised like them. That's why I drank and drank... I hated them... I hated everyone that sat there and judge me.. I state plainly.. because of my ignorance. To me, you were either low class, or 'have it' and I sure didn't 'have it'.
I tell me o hubby, that I wish it was 'him' as my husband at the time.. then I wouldn't have lost my only world of love. My precious baby, he would have been a beautiful young man... that looks just like me.. (makes me smile).
I told my Grandson's mom, that if I died I would leave my junk for Grandson to have.. He gave me back a lot I have lost, and I drain all my love back into him. Hubby isn't my beneficiary.. I picked one of my foster sister's as a beneficiary. When hubby found out he was only getting a percentage, he felt betrayed.. I laughed the evil laugh and told him.. "...in your sweet dreams hon, I sure ain't your &^%$ $$, now did you?"
New Blog for the Six
15 years ago
