Ruffin it

This morning I awakened and realized I was clutching the blankets, and staring at the wall. The images came to me like it was happening right then. I could hear myself breathing and getting angry. I started getting tensed.. I could hear everything being said.. I kept thinking about the 'what ifs'.. I started to tell myself to calm down, it done and over with. I could feel my body relax except for my hands and my breathing.. I told myself once again, it's over with. I can see now, it's the wall I'm seeing.. the road vanished.. the scene vanished.. I went to the bathroom and cried some.. I got angry.. I wished and wished the impossibles.. Now, I'm like a robot and continue the day as if I just exist.

Grandpa and Grandson show me the light to happiness. Only when they're around. The rest of the time, I dare anyone to get me so angry that I can rip their heads off with something.. I just want to take a bat and hit someone right upside the head and watch it fly right off.. Really now, we all know that isn't gonna help any at all. You can talk only so much about your problem. There's so much a person can hear of it. I don't tell Hubby about my problem.. he knows it.. he knows I will never recover, it's just something I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

So, I shook it off and thought I would wash Troy's jacket he left behind. I looked for it in the spare bedroom and couldn't find it. I look again in Grandson's room and nope, it's not there. I thought maybe it's in one of the trucks.. I headed for the door.. there it was hung up with the rest of our jackets.. He put it between Hubby and I.. he's red jacket.. Grandson's black jacket is on the end. I had to smile some. Did you purposely left it there? I didn't see him hanging up his jacket on the rack.. I thought he just tossed it on the chair in the spare room..

I am just feeling confused today.. Angry mostly.. I'm having my attacks, but I'm hanging in there. that's all I can do.